Remembering The Shards
by Stigmatized
Summary: Ray reminices about his relationship with Kai. A short, sad and sweet fic. Warnings: Yaoi (KaixRay) and character death. Chapter two up due to popular demand! Rated for one bad word that little children shouldn't read.
1. I

Title: Remembering The Shards

Summary: A short, one shot fic. Ray reminisces about his relationship with Kai. Warnings: Yaoi, character death. 

A/N: Well, hi there. If you're reading this, thank you! This isn't my first fic, but it is my first fic on fanfiction. This is a short, sad and sweet fic about Kai and Ray.

***

Why did you do that to me? To this day, I still can't figure out if you were being selfish or amazingly kind.

I'll never forget that day. We had been having so much fun-- just the two of us while the others tried to pry Tyson away from the on-board buffet. I always knew you weren't as cold as you made yourself out to be, but you just proved I was right that day, and for most of the cruise before that. I'll never forget those sweet words of forever you whispered in my ear as we made love, never forget the way your hands felt on me, unbelievably warm and soft, but most of all, I'll never forget you. Do you ever think of me where you are, I often wonder to myself.

We had been walking around the boat, hand in hand, swift and sweet kisses shared occasionally, but we were forced apart and you returned to your normal, cold self when we heard the others coming our way. We were so young back then, so in love, although neither of us wanted to admit it. We thought that nothing could ever force us apart. They spotted us and grabbed us, pulling us to the upper deck, Max babbling on about the amazing view, not knowing how we could stand just wandering the corridors. They didn't know about us, of course, only we knew. Sometimes it pained me to keep it from them, but you knew best, of course. You were always so damned smart, though it seemed that I was the only one that noticed-- not even you.

When we had reached the upper deck, I realised why Max was so excited. It was stunning, I still don't know how to describe it, but my heart still doesn't think it holds a candle to you. I saw your mask fall, if only for a moment.

"Isn't it great, Ray?" Max had asked me, seeing the look on my face. The same one that seemed to give you so much humour, judging by the smirk on your face as you looked at me. I nodded, awe-struck. It was then things took a turn for the worse. The ship shuddered to a halt, causing me to stumble backwards into your arms. I can still remember every single detail, as though it had happened yesterday. The way you leaned back ever so slightly when my back collided with your chest; the way those wine coloured eyes that I could get drunk on from a glance widened; the way your arms contracted around me; how your head snapped around to look at the speaker as the PA system buzzed. I never quite heard what was going on, the cracked voice from the speaker just blending in with the shouts and cries from the panicked people around me. I faintly heard the rest of the team asking what was going on in frantic tones, but it all passed me by. My head turned around to look at you, for the first time in my life seeing fear in your beautiful eyes. Everything was a blur apart from you. All sounds were mumbles apart from the sound of your breathing and fast heartbeat. I couldn't smell the frosted air of the arctic, only you. I couldn't feel the cold air nipping my bare skin, only your arms wrapped firmly and protectively around my waist.

"Could all passengers make their way to the lifeboats. This is a code red emergency." I heard that, and so did you. You unfurled your arms from around me, taking a step back, eyes looking away from me and to the masses of screaming people, running madly about the deck. Your hand took hold of my forearm, pulling me over to the boat-- the only one that wasn't full. It was already filled with passengers, Kenny, Max and Tyson already in.

"Room for one more, guys." A crewmember shouted. You turned me away from you and pushed me gently towards the boat. I stopped and looked at you, your eyes were unguarded, the first time I had seen that in front of others.

"Kai..." I tried to argue with your unspoken decision, but your eyes hardened and you shook your head.

"Ray, you take it." I looked at you in wonder, and felt the burning in the back of my eyes, tears forming. The barrier came down, your face and eyes swirling with love and devotion.

"Kai, I can't take this. You need to." You shook your head, more firmly this time.

"Ray, if you don't take that fucking seat then neither of us will!" You shouted, startling me. I looked towards the hopeful eyes of the team, their eyes wide, wondering, I presume, why you hadn't just pushed me out of the way.

"I can't go without you Kai." I whispered, my voice not working to it's full effect. You pulled me towards you sharply and planted a searing kiss on my lips, before pulling away and staring me in the eyes. I could feel the tears streaming down my face, but I didn't care. Your eyes said it all, but I wasn't sure what 'it all' was. I nodded, too upset for words. I stepped into the boat, taking a seat between Tyson and Max, my eyes never leaving yours. I felt the lump in my throat as I tried to swallow, not willing for my last sight of you to be blurred by tears.

"Ray!" You called as I noticed you sink visibly. "I love you." I couldn't move. It took all of my self-will not to break down into sobs. You had told me that you would never leave me, told me that we would be together forever, but you had never said that you loved me.

"Kai," I winced as my voice cracked, "I-- I..." I couldn't say any more than that. My voice had stopped working. The thoughts running through my head were running rampant as I watched you as you sank with the ship, so fearlessly brave. I loved you, I loved you with all my heart, and I still do. I needed something to remember you by, without that, photos were meaningless. As if reading my thoughts, you smiled. A genuine smile, love flowing from that simple gesture, mixed with grief. You brought your hands up and took the scarf from your neck, tying it into a ball and throwing it to me with deadly precision. I caught it, clinging to that small keepsake as if it were a life raft. I ignored the disapproving looks from an old woman across from me. Two boys in love! How terrible!

You bit your lower lip as your feet were plunged into the icy water. Our boat was now a good few meters away, but I could still see you clearly. We kept moving, and you turned into nothing but a blur, your hair wet and limp as you disappeared into the inky depths, before bursting back out, panting for breath. I left the seat with a jolt, but Max and Tyson managed to pull me back down. I can still remember how my throat burned and cracked as I screamed your name when I saw you stop struggling, your body going still and slowly sinking. I let my mouth drop as I stared at the spot. I threw my self-consciousness away and broke down into sobs on Tyson's shoulder. 

I hated the way that they had to find out about us. We never got to tell them the way we had been planning. We never got to laugh at their objections and the blame they would throw, saying you would hurt me. I never got to tell you that I loved you. I suppose that's what I'm doing now. But you did hurt me, didn't you? You had to go and get yourself killed for my sake. That hurt more than any words ever could. Yet I still can't help but love you. You held my life above yours and made the ultimate sacrifice for me. Just for me. 

I've never taken your scarf off once, I have never forgotten your touch, and I have never forgotten your scent. Sometimes I think I can sense you near me. I imagine I can feel you, curled up next to me, brushing my hair away from my face like you used to when you thought I was asleep. Sometimes I think I can feel your lips gently brushing over my cheek as I sit in front of the last photo of us that was taken, our hands brushing slightly, a knowing look on both of our faces as we picking up our 'blades, and I start weeping uncontrollably. I know it's just my imagination, but I like to think that it really is you, that you still haven't forgotten about me. 

I just wish that I could open back up to the others. I know I've turned into you. But, I just miss you so much. All of my energy is focused into blading, all your words of guidance running through my mind as I pick up the white tiger. _Focus, be one with the bit-beast. No one can beat you if you can achieve that._ There you were, being right again. You were just so damned smart.

All I want from this life is to prove to myself that you're gone, that you're never coming back. I still can't do that. I can sit for hours outside, even on the night before a tournament, just waiting to see your silhouette, walking towards me, coming to take me back with you. I do see you, though, but that's what wishful thinking can do to you. The others have stopped talking about you, they think it will hurt me, they think that at the very mention of your name I will break down. I wish we could talk again, all of us, just laughing about the past, all the losses, wins and mistakes. I've lost count of the years that have passed since that day, just taking each day as it comes.

You've not forgotten about me where you are, have you? Are you happy there, wherever you are? Do you find it as hard as I do? Kai, I loved you. I still love you. I don't know how I could ever forget you. Damn, there I go again, getting tear marks on the paper. I've been meaning to write this for a while, I guess I just never got around to it before.

I just wanted you to know, that I meant what I said. I know you meant what you said when you said we'll be together forever. We couldn't stop what happened, but that doesn't matter. Ai shiteru, Kai.

***

A/N: There you go. I actually cried writing that. Well, tell me what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcome, and flames will be mocked whenever I get a chance. All you have to do is click the 'submit review' button, and maybe even 'add story to favourites'. Wishful thinking, but well. 


	2. II

A/N: This part is up due to popular demand. It's kind of hard to explain, but you'll get it. Once again, angst, yaoi and character death.

***

I watched you, that day. The way you walked slowly and sombrely to that perfect cube stone and laid down that single sheet of paper beside the flowers that you change and clean every week. 

Hell, I've always watched you; it was always so hard to take my eyes off of your form. The years have been so kind to you, Ray. You have aged with as much grace as is possible, as will ever be possible. You had always been beautiful, but now you are just heavenly. Your face is flawless; it shows everything you have gone through in your life, all the wins and loses. It shows the happiness you experienced, and it shows the grief, most of which I know I caused.

Gods, I never deserved you Ray. You were always too good for me. Just the thought, the very notion that _I_ could cause you such pain tears me apart. I know how you think, and I don't even have to examine the letter you have laid down to know what it says, but I do anyway, and I see you stumble back a step. Your golden eyes widening as what appears to you as a breeze blows open the carefully folded paper. 

As I finish reading the thoughts you have kept bottled up inside for so long, my heart strains against my chest. Had I truly been so cowardly? Had I really sacrificed myself for nothing but pain for you? I look back up at you, seeing your wonderful eyes trained on the white square that was covered in your elegant handwriting. I look around the small field ridden by carefully cut and engraved rock. 

I have always hated graveyards, the cold uniformity of it all. Death scared me, forming part of my dislike for the storage area of the dead. Anyone I had ever cared for had died: my parents had left me when I was only a child; three of my grandparents, leaving me to that monster Voltaire; and in the end myself. I had never known that it would be like this, like it was everyone else who was gone and not me. 

"Kai." I hear you whisper that one word, and let my eyes wonder back to you. It's as if you are looking right at me, into my eyes, even though you can't see me. I bite my lip as you sink to your knees in the thin grass and sob. I know I can do nothing but hold you, even though you won't notice, only feel an icy breeze blow past your shoulders, playing with that scarf. Like you said, sometimes you think you feel my lips brushing gently over your cheek, but you know it's just your imagination. I can honestly say that it's not, I will always be there. I will always be with you, my love. When your time comes, I will be here to take you away from this plain. I am both eagerly waiting that day and hoping it will never come.

I want to squeeze you, to let you _know_ that I'm here with you. I want to kiss you, to tell you everything is all right. Over the many years I have been gone, I have missed you more than anything. Your touch was always enough to drive me wild, and now missing it is driving me crazy.

"I miss you so damned much." You whisper hoarsely to the breeze, running your finger gently over the carefully engraved words on that rock. I remember how everyone added to the memorial, Kenny, Max, Tyson, how Mr Dickenson fought so hard to keep my grandfather away from this spot. What matters the most to me, though, is what you added. Whenever I follow you here, I read the words that make my lips tingle from that very last kiss we shared.

You knew how much I hate these places, so you fought to have my memorial put elsewhere, even though you failed in the end. You tried, and that's more than I did. I'm nothing but a coward, Ray; you still don't see that. It's hard to criticise the dead, I suppose. Yet, how can you call me brave? I took the easy way out. You had always been the brave one, Itooshi*, if I were you I would have given up long ago.

You finally stand up, drying your eyes on the end of the scarf. Oh, how I wish I was that scarf. You bow to my memorial before turning to leave. I stay for a moment, my eyes lingering on the words that let strangers know I existed before I follow you.

****

***

*Beloved

A/N: I don't know what the Japanese do at funerals or anything, so I just went with what I knew. So, please review so that I know typing this up wasn't a total waste of time. 


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